If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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