my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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