his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
