I'm going to jail i love you
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
