her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
