i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
