...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
