woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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