I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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