I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize