So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
