do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
