y did u give ur computer a hand job?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
