woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
