Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
