you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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