just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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