why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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