Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
