Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
