I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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