WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
