i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
