dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
