I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
