Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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