The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
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you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
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I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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