Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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