I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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