Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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