things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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