The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
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I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
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Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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