shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
