So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
