You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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