I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
im on a boat
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