spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
