I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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