When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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