the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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