you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
