"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
