oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
