Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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