i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
