I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
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Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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