I think im going to throw up on grandma
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just invented taco cereal.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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