I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
