If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
