in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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