a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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