I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
